Stereotypes are an unfortunate part of life

The El Guapo Landscaping Company of Los Angeles, California has been cutting lawns and trimming bushes for 16 years. But with the current state of the economy, business has slowed and owner, Guillermo Hernandez, has had to think of other ways to keep 17 of his family members employed during these difficult times. 

So Hernandez combined his love of keeping things neat and trim with the superficiality and rich lifestyle of Hollywood to come up with the idea of offering manscaping as one of his services. And Hollywood stars are lining up to have Hernandez and crew shave their junk.

By definetion, Manscaping is the art of grooming the male body. Shaving, waxing, and trimming are just a small part of this recent phenomenon. And it doesn’t just pertain to male genitalia, it also includes, legs, backs, and eyebrows.

When asked if he finds it weird shaving another man’s back or trimming a dude’s pubic hair into the shape of a “down arrow”, Hernandez said (through an interpreter), “I don’t mind, if these stupid, gringo Americans want to pay me to do this, then I am willing and able. I shaved Vin Diesel’s ass for the premier of the movie “Fast &  Furious” a couple weeks ago and bought a 13,000 square foot mansion and a donkey in southern Mexico. My family is proud of me. However, I have to remember to make sure my brother Pablo keeps cutting lawns. He has horrible eye site and I don’t want him cutting the wrong thing or getting his eye poked by a run away wang.”

News of El Guapo’s success has traveled across the country and hundreds of struggling landscaping companies have decided to make the switch from Kentucky Blue Grass to Kentucky Man Ass.

monkeyclown MonkeyClown El Guapo, fast & Furious, Kentucky Bluegrass, landscapers, landscaping, manscaping, mexican landscapers, stereotypes, vin diesel

Kevin Clash, the voice and puppeteer of everybody’s and nobody’s favorite Sesame Street character Elmo, decided to take matter’s into his own hands during a taping of a recent Sesame Street show. Clash, who just signed a 10-year contract extension with the Children’s Television Workshop (CTW) realized the mistake he made by signing the contract extension.

 During the taping of one of the show’s scenes, Elmo was supposed to have a discussion with Oscar the Grouch about the very controversial “5 minute rule”, but instead decided to try and capture Elmo’s death on film. After Elmo dropped his corndog on the ground, Oscar look down and started to sing a song called, “Who cares, it’s still good, just eat it“, Clash made Elmo jump on top of one of the garbage cans, tie a pre-hung noose around Elmo’s neck, and started to rock back and forth to get the rusty can to knock over.

The intrigued and shocked video crew didn’t stop rolling the tape until about 15 seconds after Elmo’s legs started swinging from side to side.

Unfortunately for Kevin Clash, the head of CTW only gave Clash a slap on the hand and sent him to the corner for 5 minutes and made him apologize to Oscar the Grouch and Big Bird. Apparently, they also know that being Elmo for 10 more years is punishment enough for Mr. Clash.

In a statement, Clash said, “I am sick of doing that voice, Elmo not only annoys me, but even haunts me in my dreams at night. However, I understand that Elmo makes kids all over the world happy and he gives me a steady paycheck. I apologize for my actions. I just wish I had the balls to hang myself!”

All footage and media of this scene were destroyed.

P.S. CONGRATS TO NOTHINGRELEVANT ON IT’S 100TH POST!

monkeyclown MonkeyClown Big Bird, Elmo, Hanging, Kevin Clash, Mr. Cooper, Oscar the Grouch, Suicide

Last week’s Jackass of the week, Hollywood Barack Obama is doing everything he can to keep his Hollywood connections strong. He has recently tagged Kal Penn, the pot-smoking Indian dude from the movie Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle ,as well as star of the incredibly shitty Epic Movie, to be his Associate Director of the White House Office of Public Liaison.

Obama...It's what you crave!

According to several sources, Penn will be dealing with Asian American issues and the arts community.

Now, I have absolutely NO IDEA what any of that means except for the fact that it is only a matter of time before Obama hires Ellen Degeneres to be the Associate Manager of White House Lesbian Affairs, or offers the job of VP of the White House Office for Cool Black People to Will Smith or even hires Oprah just to stand next to Michelle Obama so that the First Lady always looks thinner.

It is no doubt that Obama LOVES Hollywood. Any guesses for when he makes his first cameo in a movie? He’ll probably wait until he quietly signs America up to join the New World Order and use his appearance in a live-action version of a Muppet Babies movie to distract us.

Ooooooooooh…bama!

monkeyclown MonkeyClown Associate Director of the White House Office of Public Liasion, Barack Obama, Ellen Degeneres, Epic Movie, Harold, Hollywood Barack Obama, Kal Penn, Kumar, Michelle Obama, Oprah, White Castle, White House, Will Smith

President Barack Obama, fresh off his “firing” of General Motor’s CEO Rich Wagoner, has apparently become drunk with power. From his hotel in Europe, Obama made a call to Chicago Cubs skipper, Lou Pinella, and asked him to step down from his post. The President feels that the Cubs have no shot at winning the World Series with Uncle Lou at the helm.

This unwarranted request has Cubs fans all over the world in an uproar. As most people know, (mostly because it was shoved down America’s collective throats the day Obama made his presence felt at the 2004 Democratic National Convention) Obama was an Illinois senator and is a huge fan of the Chicago White Sox. The fact that he is a fan of the South-side scumbags and is meddling with the Cubs, has Northsiders scratching their heads.

Of course, with his all knowing wisdom, Obama assumed there would be backlash and promises Cubs fans that he has the best interest of Cubs fans and the city of Chicago at heart. Obama was quoted as saying, “The black half of my racial makeup understands what it is like to go through difficult times, so I can relate to what the Cubs have gone through these past 101 years. 2009 has been a historic year and I want to keep that magic going by helping the Cubs break their curse and win the World Series in 2009. Unfortunately, I don’t think current manager, Lou Pinella is the right guy to make this happen. And since I am always right, I suggest he step down immediately.”

Pinella was available for comments after a Cubs pre-season game in Arizona and was asked what he thinks of the President’s request. “That uh…Obama kid….he’s a…a….a…good kid,”, Pinella said, “but if he thinks he is going to bully me into stepping down as manager, he can suck the snotty end of my f*%kstick. He needs to keep his White Sox-loving nose out of this one.”

Allegedly, Obama has a list of at least 10 people he thinks should replace Pinella and take the Cubs to the promise land. Unfortunately, more than half of them have already had to decline the nomination due to tax problems and legal issues.

monkeyclown MonkeyClown 2004 Democratic National Convention, Barack Obama, Chicago Cubs, Chicago White sox, General Motors, GM, Lou Pinella, MonkeyClown, Wagoner, World Series

"Hey Batter, Batter, Batter....I"LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!"

The Boston Red Sox and die-hard Red Sox fan/horror novelist, Stephen King, have come to an agreement to allow King to turn Fenway’s fabled Green Monster into a “REAL Green Monster”.

King will pay $3 million dollars out of his own pocket to give a face to the Green Monster. The agreement is reportedly only for the 2009 season.

“Until the 2 recent championships, the only scary thing in Boston was that my Red Sox hadn’t won the World Series in 86 years.”, explained King , “Now that they are champions they seem to have lost their edge. Left field’s Green Monster has always been an imposing structure for visiting teams, but its just a big green wall. I am happy that the Red Sox are allowing me to bring my brand of horror to Fenway.”

King went through several designs, many of which focused on images that he thought would specifically scare or distract the rival Yankees (ex. a picture of Kevin Youkilis wearing nothing but Jason Giambi’s golden thong, a picture of money being flushed down a toilet, the recent picture of A-Rod kissing his own mirrored image, and the clown for “IT”) Inevitably, King went to what he knows best and created a creepy green creature that appears to stare down batters at the plate with an evil and ominous grin.

Boston is also considering adding a voice to the monster, having it scream or say something “comically scary” [says an unidentified Sox staff member] in between innings to entertain the fans.

This sounds like a wicked dumb idea to me!

monkeyclown MonkeyClown A-Rod, Alex Rodriguez, Boston, gold thong, Green Monster, IT, Jason Giambi, kevin youkilis, New York Yankees, Red Sox, Stephen King