The folk(s) at nothingRelevant.com would like to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas!

Although, we’ve noticed that the meaning of Christmas has been lost behind the greed of getting lots of toys, gifts, and money.

So, here is a quick simple reminder of the true meaning and history of Christmas.

As you may or may not remember, a long long time ago, the Jews crucified and killed Jesus Christ. But he came back to life and became more popular than ever. Defeated, the Jews let it go. Years later, the Jewish holiday Hanukkah was overshadowed by the celebration of Jesus’ birthday. It became the biggest most popular holiday ever. They called it CHRISTMAS (which of course translates from Spanish to English as MORE CHRIST). They even started dressing up and celebrating Jesus’ guardian angel, St. Nick. St. Nick’s name has been changed throughout the world overtime. Italians still call him St. Nick, Americans changed his name to Chris Kringle, and the Russians called him Claus or Santa Claus. (Santa Claus has become the most popular name)

Anyway, the Jews were not happy about everyone making fun of their holy holiday — including the 8 days of dreidels and bad food. So, the Jews captured the beloved Santa Claus and–as they did to Jesus — crucified him on a giant Douglas Fur tree. Unfortunately, since it is dark the majority of the time during the winter, people couldn’t see what the Jews did. So, they decided to wrap the tree in lights so that everyone can see what they did to Claus.

Claus died and was buried. On the third day he rose and — much like Jesus — became even more popular. The jews failed again. Santa, continued to ride his popularity and decided to give gifts to everyone who believed in him all over the world.

Christmas became more than just the celebration of Jesus’ birthday, it became about the celebration of Santa Claus. People started putting up Fur trees (and similar) in their homes and decorated them with lights and put gifts under them in honor of Santa’s gift giving ways.

And that is a quick, down and dirty, refresher on how Christas came about. When they are old enough, be sure to make sure your children understand the true meaning and history of Christmas so that they can pass it on to their family and friends.

Merry Christmas!

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A TSA  screener at the Tulsa International Airport was caught masturbating to the images of a woman who was standing in the airport’s new body scanners.  Airports around the country have been testing this new body scanner which shows an X-ray type image of a person and is supposed to show non-metallic weapons and liquid explosives. The TSA screener, Harrison Munch, a 43 yr. old male from the Tulsa area, was caught in “mid-stride” as he reviewed the x-ray image of a busty elderly woman while in the closed room a few feet from the scanner. 

Sinead O'Conner really let herself go

Munch’s co-worker (who did not want to be identified) was coming off of a 20 minute break and decided to bring Munch a can of Coke. She walked into the room and screamed as Munch started to climax all over the keyboard in front of him. Munch was fired on the spot and was arrested for indecent exposure. Police say, more charges are to come.

A spokesperson for Munch stated, “My client is definetely in a sticky situation, however, I have no doubts he will get-off on all charges. Being a TSA is a stressful job and Harrison took advantage of being alone to release some tension. Unfortunately, he got caught shooting knuckle babies on his work equipment.”

Airports have been testing this new scanner for several months now and have come across a lot of opposition. Groups such as the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) have described these scanners as “an invasion of privacy’”and a “disgrace to human rights”.

No doubt that Mr. Munch’s salami-slapping activities will be a huge blow to Homeland Securities plan to implement these scanners in every airport in the country.

Terrorists, fat women, and men hung like elevator buttons everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief across America.

I’m sure Al Gore is currently working on a new security screening machine that will be able to identify plastic knives, while at the same time allowing Americans to keep their “packages” safely hidden from Big Brother.

I wonder if Munch’s dead Great-Grandmother was watching him as he thumbed his nub?

Updated: 11/23/10

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Prototype shown: Orgasm-o-Meter

She’ll never be able to “fake it” again! Scientists at Trojan have developed a climax gauge that you can strap to your woman’s head (front or back) to see how close she is to reaching orgasm. It’s called the Orgasm-o-meter and the idea is simple. The closer the needle gets into the red zone,  the closer she is to lettin’ the juice loose. If the needle is in the green…well…you need to try a harder, little buddy.

The difficult part will be getting  your woman to strap this contraption on her head, but after the first time, she’ll put it on every time. Early prototypes have a strap that goes around her head with an odometer type gauge, but there are other designs in the works. Dr. Max Grissolm is trying to find a way to implant this gauge onto the back of a woman’s head, under her hair. While another scientist, Dr. Thomas Cole is trying to develop a reusable version with an adhesive similar to the glue used on Post-It Notes. Unfortunately, complete development is a few years away.

“This could be the first step towards world peace!” says Dr. Grissolm. He adds, “A happier sex life, leads to a happier overall lifestyle, which could eliminate all the bad and evil in the world. Everyone will be happy! Well, except for the losers who can’t get laid.

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Julia Roberts (43), one of Hollywood’s most beloved actresses, hasn’t had much success lately. In 2010 alone, she starred in 2 huge flops – the horrendous Eat, Pray, Love & Valentine’s Day. Julia started to realize that she would have to take desperate measures to regain her popularity.

With the help of her agent, Julia started brainstorming ideas to help her get back in the spotlight and make herself relevant again. She contemplated posing nude for Playboy, cheating on her husband with Wilmer Valderrama, even going to the zoo and throwing handfuls of human feces at the spider monkeys.

Ultimately, she decided to use one of her biggest assets. 

On November 1, 2010, Julia Roberts became a Guinness Book of World Records holder by becoming the first person to fit 237 Peanut Butter M&Ms in her mouth at once (and holding them in there for 1 full minute).

Unfortunately, neither her fans nor Hollywood was impressed and its already back to the drawing board for Julia. She has decided to see what else she can fit in her mouth. Her husband, Daniel Moder, had no comment.

PS. Welcome back nothingRelevant.com!

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