First thought:
It’s got Dane Cook, who is everyone’s hated comedian.  It’s got Jason Biggs, who milked American Pie for all he could.  Wait. . .Kate Hudson.  Love her…

As its progressing thought:
Not too bad… Tank (Dane Cook) plays an asshole!  Probably doesn’t stray too far from his real personality.  Alexis (Kate Hudson) just wants booty calls. . .this is going well!  Any chance that she would call me?!?!?!?  BTW – why does Dane Cook run like an asshole?  It bugs me that a man runs that way, has anyone else ever noticed this?!?!?!?

The Ah-ha thought:
Tank propositions Alexis’ mom for a blow-job!!!  Awesome!!! 

Final review:
The movie isn’t that bad.  Again, it seems that nobody at this point really likes Dane Cook, so I’m surprised that this movie didn’t turn me off right when it started.  The idea of Kate Hudson being a slut (wait. . .this seems to be playing like her real life right now) is great!!!   Overall a decent movie to watch when you’re already a couple beers in.

Rating:
2 1/2 magic donkey hats

chumpzilla Movie Alec Baldwin, Asshole, Dane Cook, Jason Biggs, Kate Hudson, one night stand, Sex

300

My first thought of the movie, ‘300’ was, “WOW…I need to work out!” I can see the infomercial now, ‘TRY THE NEW 300 AB SYSTEM & WORK OUT REGIMENT!” Move over Total Gym and Hip Hop Abs…Here come the Spartans!

Based on Frank Miller’s novel, 300 is an action-packed movie with an amazing and unique look and feel (reminiscent of Miller’s Sin City’s visual effects), a good-looking cast, and a story that both men and women can relate to.

In this epic tale, Spartan King Leonidas is challenged and asked to submit to the Persian Army—lead by the effeminate, yet deep voiced—Xerxes. Unfortunately for the Persians, “surrender” is not in the Spartan dictionary as Spartans are raised to become ultimate warriors and will fight to the end.

Leonidas puts together a battle plan and sets off to face the Persians —but not before having hot Spartan sex with his beautiful wife, Queen Gorgo. (Boobies!) Leonidas and his army of 300 of the buffest and most physically impressive men use strategic positioning to take on the massive Persian Army. And they do so successfully, with incredibly bloody results.

My favorite part of the movie is when the Spartans use the dead Persian carcasses as a wall, to hide behind, crush, and piss off the Persians. It is a sick, twisted, and  kick-ass idea.

While I thought this movie and its characters were badass. There were a couple things that I did not like. Even through the movie was bloody, the blood looked too computer generated and never hit the ground. At one point a couple of the Spartans mowed through a large group of Persians with nifty moves and deadly sword play, however, when they finished, there was not a drop of blood on the ground. Did it cost extra for computer generated pools of blood?

I was also not a huge fan of the ending. While I understand why the Spartans did what they did, I expected them to go down with a better fight. I don’t want to ruin the movie so I won’t say more.
Anyway, I give 300 3 ½ magic donkey hats.

Rating

3 1/2 Magic Donkey Hats

monkeyclown Movie 300, ab workout, frank miller, spartans, total gym

Next

First thought:
Nicholas Cage, Jessica Biel, and Julianne Moore, it’s got to be decent.

As its progressing thought:
Really?!?!?!?  Is this really happening and am I really watching this right now?  Wait, my kid just screwed around with the remote and I’ve missed a little bit of it.  Okay, I’m back. . . still not much going on.

The Ah-ha thought:
There it is. . .Jessica Biel finally utilizing her stunning looks.

Final review:
The movie isn’t that bad.  However, its not Nicholas Cage’s best flick (Leaving Las Vegas, IMO) and Jessica Biel proves again that she cannot act and is primarily the “eye candy”.  Is that so wrong?  The idea of a magician who can see 2 minutes ahead in the future is a little far stretch to help save the country from a nuclear bomb, isn’t it?  I must say that I did like the warehouse scene, but that’s only because I like guns and a little action in movies.

Rating:
1 1/2 magic donkey hats

monkeyclown Movie Jessica Biel, Jualianne Moore, Next, nicholas chage, review

Blades of Glory

First thought:
Will Ferrell (Chazz Michael Michaels) and Jon Heder (Jimmy MacElroy), a mix between Old School and Napolean Dynamite, it can’t be that bad.

As its progressing thought:
Can Jon Heder play any other type of character?  I’m picturing Napolean Dynamite on ice skates, seriously!
Ah ha thought(s):
Jenna Fischer (Katie Van Waldenberg) actually looks cute in this flick.  Normally, no real idea/attraction to her.
The “thing” between Jimmy MacElroy and Katie Van Waldenberg could be the best part of this whole thing.

Final review:
Will Ferrell can be described by one word, HILLARIOUS!  However, his latest movies have been a little sub-par and a little more on the annoyance side.  There are plenty of good laughs on the behalf of Chazz, but it seemed like he was the only one that was making me chuckle.
Like I said before, can Jon Heder play any other type of character?  I get this feeling that he can only play characters that seem half mentally challenged, and plays them all the same.
The Waldenberg family provided plenty of laughs, which might have held this movie together.
Unless you are an ice skater, former ice skater, or die-hard Jon Heder fan, you probably won’t find this flick that all exciting.  And no, I am neither of these.

Rating:
1 1/2 magic donkey hats

monkeyclown Movie Blades of Glory, Chazz Michael Michaels, Iron Lotus, Jenna Fischer, John Heder, review, Will Ferrell

Blood Diamond

First Thought:
This movie is going to be an intense expose on the diamond industry and I better go to the bathroom before the movie starts.

Starring:
Leonardo DiCaprio, Djimon Hounsou, Jennifer Connelly

Plot:
The ongoing struggle for diamonds in Africa and the effects this natural resource has on families, commerce, and government.  Three characters lives become intertwined and connected through circumstance and personal gain—an American reporter (Connelly) looking to exploit the biggest diamond company in the world, a diamond smuggler (DiCaprio), who’s trying to find the ultimate diamond and leave Africa and a local fisherman (Hounsou), who buried a huge diamond while enslaved for a rebel faction and who’s kidnapped son is now a soldier in the militia.
As its progressing thought:
1) Jennifer Connelly is a complete babe who I would marry tomorrow—and a fine actress.
2) I was shocked by how rebels in Africa kidnap and train young boys to fight and kill by brainwashing, drug use, and propaganda. 
3) Africa is a fucked up place!

Overall:
Djimon Hounsou gives a griping performance as man trying to save his family and survive the harsh realities of Africa. DiCaprio gives one of his better performances as a fast talking diamond smuggler who struggles with his ethics.  Dicaprio and Hounsou are a great combination on screen and their characters are perfect together.  This movie sheds new light on the diamond industry notifies the public about conflict-free diamonds. All of the characters in this movie have a moral fiber about them that helps to carry the movie. The action scenes were good, realistic, and fast paced.  It’s better than The Patriot but it’s no Gladiator and it’s definitely not Braveheart.
 
Rating:
4 magic donkey hats

monkeyclown Movie Africa, Blood Diamond, Djimon Hounsou, Jennifer Connelly, Leonardo DiCarprio, review