VAGINA MANALOGUE: My day with a 6ft. vagina
My day started normal enough. It was Oct. 28th, 3 days before Halloween and a couple days after all the big Halloween parties. I woke up at 5:30am, showered, put on a #54 Brian Urlacher jersey, and met up at a friend’s house. From there we went to Soldier Field to tailgate before a Bears/Lions game. We got down there around 7:15am and immediately started drinking some beer and eating venison sausage. Goodtimes were already being had by all.
A couple hours later another friend shows up—obviously struggling from a hangover from the night before. He brought with him a plastic bag filled with the costume he wore from the past 2 party-filled evenings.
What was the costume? A Vagina! But not just any vagina…with a few clever accessories…he transformed this everyday vagina costume into a Britney Spears’ vagina costume (See: C-section scar). Of course, we made him put it on and he was happy to oblige.
For the rest of the day, Tim (let’s call him “Tim” to protect his innocence) was no ordinary football fan. He was an instant celebrity.
The group we were with could not stop laughing. Seeing this 6ft. walking vagina was hilarious. Some of the Britney Spears paraphernalia fell off, so we grabbed a marker and wrote LIONS above the “roast-beef curtains” that rested on his chest and then wrote WILLIAMS #11 on his back (Detroit’s #1 receiver) to add some flavor.
EVERYONE loved him. They all wanted their pictures taken with him. It didn’t matter who it was; men, women, children, people from all walks of life wanted to be a part of this glorious vaginal day. And they wanted to be sure to remember it with a photo.
After a couple more hours of laughing and drinking and gorging ourselves with meatball sandwiches smothered with chicken chili (Try it…trust me), we started off for the stadium. The walk took a lot longer than normal, of course, because of our pussy-fied friend. 5 steps, take a picture, 4 more steps, “HEY…IT’S VAGINA MAN!“, 7 more steps, he is offered a free beer, 3 more steps, he is offered a swig of Tequila from a group of friendly Mexicans, 10 more steps, another picture, 15 steps, a couple females let him know how disgusting he is…and then seconds later take a picture of him as they attempt to give his felt-labia a lick. 5 more steps….you get the hint. This when on throughout the entire walk to the stadium.
Of course, there were MORONS who didn’t get it…they thought he was a Lions fan. Not realizing that a real Lions fan probably would not depict his team as a bunch of pussies. They wanted to fight him or pour beer on him, until others made them realize that they are dumb and they are attempting to fight a walking axe wound. Once the tiny light bulbs turned on over their heads…they became his best friend.
As we approached the stadium we realized the security guards probably wouldn’t let him in, unless we could convince them that he was a hotdog. Good Luck! So, Tim took off the costume and nobody cared about him anymore. He was back to being your average Joe-Schmoe.
The instant we got through security, the vagina was back in action and the paparazzi were everywhere. We get to our seats, our neighboring Bears fans were in stitches. The gentleman in front of us (with his young teenage son) took a particular fondness to the Snatch Man and bought him his first of many beers…all the while trying not to let his puberty-laden son catch on to the perverted comedy that lay behind him.
The Bears ended up playing an awful game and lost to the Lions. But, we laughed til our faces hurt and our eyes were filled with tears. For a change, a vagina, made a football game enjoyable.
So what is the point of me telling you this story? Simple, it shows how easy women have it in our world. All they have to do is show their beautiful breasts or gully-holes and people flock to them, and buy them free drinks, and let them do anything they want. Even the guy who sat in front of us—after buying all those beers—told our pink-slitted friend, “Hey, if my kid wasn’t here and we were in Vegas; I’d already be IN that shit!”
So…he probably could have gotten laid too!
Amazing! Women, be thankful for what you have and how easy you have it.
It would have been a completely different day if Tim dressed up as a dick.
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