MARISSA MILLER!

I’d say more but…um…something suddenly came up!

WOW!

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Conan, You're Next...BITCH!

This week’s Jackass of the week is none other than America’s favorite multi-racial American, President Barack Obama. (When did the term “mulatto” become politically incorrect?) Anyway, Barack has picked up where George W. Bush left off: saying stupid shit, (comparing his bowling skills to that of the Olympians in the Special Olympics), portraying to the world an annoying arrogance (a certain cockiness that liberals hated about Dubya, as well as one that Barack hasn’t proven he can back up yet. Of course, Dummycrats think his arrogance is ok…cuz he is the messiah), and he is doing a great job adding to America’s national debit. 

But on top of it all, it seems to me our precious Obama is more interested in becoming a Hollywood celebrity than our nation’s president. Is it just me or does it seem like Barack has been on TV everyday since his inauguration? Now he is going on late night talk shows like Jay Leno, the other day he was on “60 Minutes”, he was all over ESPN giving his NCAA March Madness bracket picks (let’s hope he has better luck with the economy), and several other press and town hall interviews.

I am already sick of seeing this guy. He’s all over TV, radio, newspapers, and the Internet. It’s called OVER EXPOSURE! He’s already close to becoming as annoying to me as Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan and we still have AT LEAST  3 1/2+ years of him to deal with.

What is next? An appearance on Deal or No Deal? A cameo in a very special episode of Grey’s Anatomy? A run at the returning champion on Jeopardy?

Here is my advice to “Hollywood” Barack Obama, give the media a rest, try focusing on your job. You came into this job with just about ZERO experience, how about you sit down and take some notes and turn this country back around.

You will have your chance to appear on Judge Judy and host the 2013 MTV movie awards when you are relieved of duty.

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Twitter is the hottest thing on the Internet right now and everybody and their mother is on it tweeting about their lives. Gus checked it out and guess what…IT SUCKS! But, PEOPLE are DUMB, thus the success of Twitter.

 Here are my Top 5 Reasons Twitter Sucks (in no particular order): 

• Nobody gives a shit what I am doing every minute of every day. Do you REALLY need to know that I am watching Dumbo right now or that for lunch I am planning on eating a bowl of tuna salad with cucumbers, celery, and sour cream & cheddar potato chips crumbled in? NO! (Try it…it tastes good!)
• I don’t give a shit what P.Diddy, Ashton Kutcher, or John Mayer are doing every minute of every day. These 3 clowns seem to be the biggest celebrity Tweeters. I don’t care if you just got back from a 4-hour work out or that you are about to go on another vacation to Belize.
• The thousands and thousands of fans that follow these celebrities, continue to feed into their already overly inflated egos. You people are PATHETIC!
• Those who aren’t celebrities are just on the site for self-promotion, free advertising, and Search Engine Optimization (SEO). These people start to follow thousands of people in hopes to have thousands of people follow them back. Sounds good in theory, but here is the rub. If you are sending or receiving tweets from thousands of people a day…nobody is looking at your tweets. Unless there are shitheads who sit on Twitter all day and actually read everyone’s posts and click on their links, Twitter is not a successful marketing tool. Sure the SEO might help, but big deal.
• The Twitter lingo: Twitter, Tweets, Tweetdecks, Twizzle, Twat. Call it what you want, it all sucks a dick.

There are only 2 good things about Twitter:

1. It is another online source for free, fresh porn. Pornstars are sending tweets to their latest photo shoot pics. And smut mags and porn sites are always sending links to hot babes with big boobies. I can get behind that.
2. It is very easy to follow Gus the Donkey on Twitter! Just sign up for Twitter and follow nothingRelevant!

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Hugh “Hef” Hefner, popular founder of Playboy Magazine and the luckiest man alive, has announced that he will drop the robe and take off the pajamas to pose nude in an upcoming issue of his magazine. Hef (82 years old), said that throughout the 55+ year history of Playboy he has made millions upon millions of dollars by exposing the world to the beauty of the female body, now he is going to give back and expose himself in honor of all those former playmates.

Anybody up for some expired sausage for breakfast?

There has never been a pictorial featuring a man or a dick (with exception of the interview pics of Bill Maher).

Hefner will not replace the female centerfold pictorial but will be featured in a 6-page spread in the later third of the magazine. Hef’s new girlfriends, the 19 year old twins, the Shannon sisters (who are surprisingly unattractive), along with several other playmates will appear nude in the photos with him. The final picture, however, will be a full-frontal of the old man eating a peach in front of the grotto with his old balls and wrinkly shaft prominently displayed for the world to see.

When asked what he thinks his mostly male demographic will think when they see his dusty twig and berries, Hef said, “I realize that the majority of my readers are buying Playboy to see hot, beautiful naked women, not my decrepid ‘package’. But again, I am doing this for the thousands of women who have appeared in my magazines and, at the very least, this will give men an idea of what their manhood will look like when they are in their senior years.”

One wonders if Hef will take some Viagra or Cialis before doing the shoot do give his crotchal region more life?

Enjoy!

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There is a strange new epidemic that is finding a large increase in both murders and suicides across the country. What’s strange is that these horrific deaths all seem to happen around the same time every Wednesday night.

The FBI has begun to research the rash of deaths and found that this is no coincidence.

Agents found an incremental rise in deaths starting on February 11th of this year. The average time of deaths combined with that date seem to directly correlate with the first episode of Comedy Central’s new show Important Things with Demetri Martin.

After watching another disappointing episode of South Park (what is with all the pre-teen crap? Jonas Brothers? Twilight? High School Musical?) I happen to catch the first few minutes of Demetri’s new show and immediately headed to the kitchen for the biggest knife I could find. Fortunately, my wife stopped me and spared my life.

Apparently, anybody who has watches this show and has at least a partially-functioning brain will find themselves so dumbfounded by the sheer stupidity and lack of humor in this show that they try and kill themselves. Others get so enraged that someone like Demetri Martin is famous and on TV and probably making a lot of money that they look to destroy the nearest thing to them. Unfortunately this is usually a significant other, child, neighbor, or best friend.

If I had to guess, the people who find Demetri Martin funny are the same pathetic, incredibly humorless jagoffs who find Dane Cook, Dat Phan, and Andy Samburg hilarious.

Well…let me explain something to you. Listen and listen good.

DEMETRI MARTIN IS NOT FUNNY. HE IS A PRETENTIOUS UNORIGINAL ASSBAG.

Let me put out a challenge to you. Take a few minutes and watch the clips below or try and watch his show for more than 30 seconds. If you do more than slightly smirk at one of his jokes let me know and I will add you to the growing list of brainless, mouth-breathing morons who are inhabiting our earth and breathing MY precious air.

GOD! I WANT TO PUNCH THIS SMUG FUCKER IN THE FACE! BUT SINCE HE IS NOT HERE…WHERE IS THE DOG?

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