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In no particular order…
Peace
Prototype shown: Orgasm-o-Meter
She’ll never be able to “fake it” again! Scientists at Trojan have developed a climax gauge that you can strap to your woman’s head (front or back) to see how close she is to reaching orgasm. It’s called the Orgasm-o-meter and the idea is simple. The closer the needle gets into the red zone, the closer she is to lettin’ the juice loose. If the needle is in the green…well…you need to try a harder, little buddy.
The difficult part will be getting your woman to strap this contraption on her head, but after the first time, she’ll put it on every time. Early prototypes have a strap that goes around her head with an odometer type gauge, but there are other designs in the works. Dr. Max Grissolm is trying to find a way to implant this gauge onto the back of a woman’s head, under her hair. While another scientist, Dr. Thomas Cole is trying to develop a reusable version with an adhesive similar to the glue used on Post-It Notes. Unfortunately, complete development is a few years away.
“This could be the first step towards world peace!” says Dr. Grissolm. He adds, “A happier sex life, leads to a happier overall lifestyle, which could eliminate all the bad and evil in the world. Everyone will be happy! Well, except for the losers who can’t get laid.
Julia Roberts (43), one of Hollywood’s most beloved actresses, hasn’t had much success lately. In 2010 alone, she starred in 2 huge flops – the horrendous Eat, Pray, Love & Valentine’s Day. Julia started to realize that she would have to take desperate measures to regain her popularity.
With the help of her agent, Julia started brainstorming ideas to help her get back in the spotlight and make herself relevant again. She contemplated posing nude for Playboy, cheating on her husband with Wilmer Valderrama, even going to the zoo and throwing handfuls of human feces at the spider monkeys.
Ultimately, she decided to use one of her biggest assets.
On November 1, 2010, Julia Roberts became a Guinness Book of World Records holder by becoming the first person to fit 237 Peanut Butter M&Ms in her mouth at once (and holding them in there for 1 full minute).
Unfortunately, neither her fans nor Hollywood was impressed and its already back to the drawing board for Julia. She has decided to see what else she can fit in her mouth. Her husband, Daniel Moder, had no comment.
PS. Welcome back nothingRelevant.com!
Stereotypes are an unfortunate part of life
The El Guapo Landscaping Company of Los Angeles, California has been cutting lawns and trimming bushes for 16 years. But with the current state of the economy, business has slowed and owner, Guillermo Hernandez, has had to think of other ways to keep 17 of his family members employed during these difficult times.
So Hernandez combined his love of keeping things neat and trim with the superficiality and rich lifestyle of Hollywood to come up with the idea of offering manscaping as one of his services. And Hollywood stars are lining up to have Hernandez and crew shave their junk.
By definetion, Manscaping is the art of grooming the male body. Shaving, waxing, and trimming are just a small part of this recent phenomenon. And it doesn’t just pertain to male genitalia, it also includes, legs, backs, and eyebrows.
When asked if he finds it weird shaving another man’s back or trimming a dude’s pubic hair into the shape of a “down arrow”, Hernandez said (through an interpreter), “I don’t mind, if these stupid, gringo Americans want to pay me to do this, then I am willing and able. I shaved Vin Diesel’s ass for the premier of the movie “Fast & Furious” a couple weeks ago and bought a 13,000 square foot mansion and a donkey in southern Mexico. My family is proud of me. However, I have to remember to make sure my brother Pablo keeps cutting lawns. He has horrible eye site and I don’t want him cutting the wrong thing or getting his eye poked by a run away wang.”
News of El Guapo’s success has traveled across the country and hundreds of struggling landscaping companies have decided to make the switch from Kentucky Blue Grass to Kentucky Man Ass.
Kevin Clash, the voice and puppeteer of everybody’s and nobody’s favorite Sesame Street character Elmo, decided to take matter’s into his own hands during a taping of a recent Sesame Street show. Clash, who just signed a 10-year contract extension with the Children’s Television Workshop (CTW) realized the mistake he made by signing the contract extension.
During the taping of one of the show’s scenes, Elmo was supposed to have a discussion with Oscar the Grouch about the very controversial “5 minute rule”, but instead decided to try and capture Elmo’s death on film. After Elmo dropped his corndog on the ground, Oscar look down and started to sing a song called, “Who cares, it’s still good, just eat it“, Clash made Elmo jump on top of one of the garbage cans, tie a pre-hung noose around Elmo’s neck, and started to rock back and forth to get the rusty can to knock over.
The intrigued and shocked video crew didn’t stop rolling the tape until about 15 seconds after Elmo’s legs started swinging from side to side.
Unfortunately for Kevin Clash, the head of CTW only gave Clash a slap on the hand and sent him to the corner for 5 minutes and made him apologize to Oscar the Grouch and Big Bird. Apparently, they also know that being Elmo for 10 more years is punishment enough for Mr. Clash.
In a statement, Clash said, “I am sick of doing that voice, Elmo not only annoys me, but even haunts me in my dreams at night. However, I understand that Elmo makes kids all over the world happy and he gives me a steady paycheck. I apologize for my actions. I just wish I had the balls to hang myself!”
All footage and media of this scene were destroyed.
P.S. CONGRATS TO NOTHINGRELEVANT ON IT’S 100TH POST!
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