President Barack Obama, fresh off his “firing” of General Motor’s CEO Rich Wagoner, has apparently become drunk with power. From his hotel in Europe, Obama made a call to Chicago Cubs skipper, Lou Pinella, and asked him to step down from his post. The President feels that the Cubs have no shot at winning the World Series with Uncle Lou at the helm.

This unwarranted request has Cubs fans all over the world in an uproar. As most people know, (mostly because it was shoved down America’s collective throats the day Obama made his presence felt at the 2004 Democratic National Convention) Obama was an Illinois senator and is a huge fan of the Chicago White Sox. The fact that he is a fan of the South-side scumbags and is meddling with the Cubs, has Northsiders scratching their heads.

Of course, with his all knowing wisdom, Obama assumed there would be backlash and promises Cubs fans that he has the best interest of Cubs fans and the city of Chicago at heart. Obama was quoted as saying, “The black half of my racial makeup understands what it is like to go through difficult times, so I can relate to what the Cubs have gone through these past 101 years. 2009 has been a historic year and I want to keep that magic going by helping the Cubs break their curse and win the World Series in 2009. Unfortunately, I don’t think current manager, Lou Pinella is the right guy to make this happen. And since I am always right, I suggest he step down immediately.”

Pinella was available for comments after a Cubs pre-season game in Arizona and was asked what he thinks of the President’s request. “That uh…Obama kid….he’s a…a….a…good kid,”, Pinella said, “but if he thinks he is going to bully me into stepping down as manager, he can suck the snotty end of my f*%kstick. He needs to keep his White Sox-loving nose out of this one.”

Allegedly, Obama has a list of at least 10 people he thinks should replace Pinella and take the Cubs to the promise land. Unfortunately, more than half of them have already had to decline the nomination due to tax problems and legal issues.

monkeyclown MonkeyClown 2004 Democratic National Convention, Barack Obama, Chicago Cubs, Chicago White sox, General Motors, GM, Lou Pinella, MonkeyClown, Wagoner, World Series

Don’t you hate it …
…when you are watching a porno while masturbating and just as you are about to release the knuckle babies— *BAM* the scene switches from the hot “Porn-ho” to the hairy ass/ball shot of the guy drilling her or—even worse—the scene ends.? It is hard to feel completely satisfied when that happens.

My Solution: All porn’s—both soft and hardcore—should have a small beeping sound that indicates there is 30 seconds left in the scene. That would give sufficient time to “finishing” yourself off properly. For those who have to be sneaky and jerk-off without the luxury of sound, maybe our friendly porn makers can also add a small red dot or even a white flag in the lower right hand corner of the screen to signifying the scene is coming to an end. In other words, “Pick up the pace, gentlemen, it’s the last lap!”

 Don’t you hate it…
…when ESPN’s Joe Morgan is announcing the baseball game of your favorite team? Joe Morgan, is by far, the worst announcer in sports. Yes, even worse than Chicago White Sox announcer Hawk Harrelson. 75% of the time he opens his trap he is boring us with yet another tale of his playing days. How he played with this guy on the Big Red Machine or played against that guy back in the day. Yeah, Joe you’ve done it all and you’ve done it with everybody. Now go away and never speak again. YOU SUCK!

My Solution: The only solution here is to watch the game but put on the radio for commentary. Until he passes away, gets arrested for stealing sports memorabilia, or gets whacked by an angry fan, we will be hearing this jerk for a long time.

Don’t you hate it…
…when somebody says, ‘Hey, I Resemble That Remark!” This could possibly be one of the dumbest and most annoying phrases since cavemen learned to grunt. Here is a hint, YOU ARE NOT FUNNY…THAT IS NOT FUNNY! 

My Solution (Violent): Punch guilty party in the face.
My Solution (non-violent): Just don’t say it.

Don’t you hate it…
… that a superhero as cool & as close to perfect as Superman, has the worst taste in women? I mean, Louis Lane????? Margot Frickin’ Kidder…this is who Superman chooses to be with? Even in the new Superman movie (Superman Returns) Kate Bosworth isn’t exactly the first girl I would go after in a crowded bar and I am BY NO MEANS Superman (although fairly close). Anyway, I can understand flaws like his allergy to Kryptonite and that he cares too much for the human race. But Superman should be pulling in some superior tail! Instead of this nerdy, annoying, know-it-all journalist he should have the likes of Angelina Jolie, Pam Anderson, or Jenna Jameson at his side.

My Side Note: About 6 yrs ago this writer saw an old nudie magazine featuring Margot Kidder. To this day, I am still having nightmares. Kids, can you say, “Freedom Bush?”

monkeyclown MonkeyClown big red machine, Chicago White sox, hawk harrelson, joe morgan, joe morgan sucks, knuckle babies, Louis Lane, Margot Kidder naked, masturbation, pornos, Resemble that remark, Superman