There is a strange new epidemic that is finding a large increase in both murders and suicides across the country. What’s strange is that these horrific deaths all seem to happen around the same time every Wednesday night.

The FBI has begun to research the rash of deaths and found that this is no coincidence.

Agents found an incremental rise in deaths starting on February 11th of this year. The average time of deaths combined with that date seem to directly correlate with the first episode of Comedy Central’s new show Important Things with Demetri Martin.

After watching another disappointing episode of South Park (what is with all the pre-teen crap? Jonas Brothers? Twilight? High School Musical?) I happen to catch the first few minutes of Demetri’s new show and immediately headed to the kitchen for the biggest knife I could find. Fortunately, my wife stopped me and spared my life.

Apparently, anybody who has watches this show and has at least a partially-functioning brain will find themselves so dumbfounded by the sheer stupidity and lack of humor in this show that they try and kill themselves. Others get so enraged that someone like Demetri Martin is famous and on TV and probably making a lot of money that they look to destroy the nearest thing to them. Unfortunately this is usually a significant other, child, neighbor, or best friend.

If I had to guess, the people who find Demetri Martin funny are the same pathetic, incredibly humorless jagoffs who find Dane Cook, Dat Phan, and Andy Samburg hilarious.

Well…let me explain something to you. Listen and listen good.

DEMETRI MARTIN IS NOT FUNNY. HE IS A PRETENTIOUS UNORIGINAL ASSBAG.

Let me put out a challenge to you. Take a few minutes and watch the clips below or try and watch his show for more than 30 seconds. If you do more than slightly smirk at one of his jokes let me know and I will add you to the growing list of brainless, mouth-breathing morons who are inhabiting our earth and breathing MY precious air.

GOD! I WANT TO PUNCH THIS SMUG FUCKER IN THE FACE! BUT SINCE HE IS NOT HERE…WHERE IS THE DOG?

monkeyclown MonkeyClown Andy Sandburg, Comedy Central, Dane Cook, Dat Phan, Demetri Martin, FBI, High School Musical, Important Things, Jonas Brothers, MonkeyClown, murder, South Park, Suicide, Twilight

Whoever told and continues to tell Saturday Night Live’s Andy Samburg that he is funny–needs to have their nuts ripped off and shoved down their throat

I was unfortunate enough to catch 5 minutes of SNL the other night and the only thing I saw was the “Digital Short” called “I’m On a Boat”. (Link below..if you want to blow your brains out.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7yfISlGLNU

Is singing/rapping about being on a boat funny? Is it funny cuz he is swearing? Is it funny cuz of the “randomness” of the rapper I never heard of? THE ANSWER IS NO!

Ok…he had “Dick in a Box” with Justin Timberlake…I’ll admit…that was funny. Hey…a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in awhile. But since then he has continued to do these aweful songs during the Digital Shorts on SNL. I recently saw another one where he is “singing” about playing the Olympics on Mars or in space or something…it was brutal.  I guess he is the “hip” member of the SNL team.

Well…either I am getting old..or he sucks. Let’s go with HE SUCKS

Give it up you horse-faced fuck. You are not funny…and neither is Dane Cook.

monkeyclown MonkeyClown Andy Samburg, Dane Cook, Dick in a Box, I'm on a Boat, Justin Timberlake, Saturday Night Live, SNL, sucks

First thought:
It’s got Dane Cook, who is everyone’s hated comedian.  It’s got Jason Biggs, who milked American Pie for all he could.  Wait. . .Kate Hudson.  Love her…

As its progressing thought:
Not too bad… Tank (Dane Cook) plays an asshole!  Probably doesn’t stray too far from his real personality.  Alexis (Kate Hudson) just wants booty calls. . .this is going well!  Any chance that she would call me?!?!?!?  BTW – why does Dane Cook run like an asshole?  It bugs me that a man runs that way, has anyone else ever noticed this?!?!?!?

The Ah-ha thought:
Tank propositions Alexis’ mom for a blow-job!!!  Awesome!!! 

Final review:
The movie isn’t that bad.  Again, it seems that nobody at this point really likes Dane Cook, so I’m surprised that this movie didn’t turn me off right when it started.  The idea of Kate Hudson being a slut (wait. . .this seems to be playing like her real life right now) is great!!!   Overall a decent movie to watch when you’re already a couple beers in.

Rating:
2 1/2 magic donkey hats

chumpzilla Movie Alec Baldwin, Asshole, Dane Cook, Jason Biggs, Kate Hudson, one night stand, Sex

honkhogan HonkHogan comedian, comedy, Dane Cook, dane cook viscous circle, funny, HBO, Louie C.K., Lucky Louie, stand-up