Chris Hansen, known for his role on the Dateline NBC show “To Catch a Predator” was caught allegedly soliciting sex from a 13-year old girl. Hansen, who claims he thought he was chatting online with a female midget, went to the young girl’s home and began to engage in sexual banter. The young girl reportedly got nervous and secretly ran into another room to call the police.

When the police arrived Hansen was found in the kitchen with his pants off, lubing up his hands with canola oil. Police also found a brown grocery bag reportedly filled with a red clown wig & nose, a bottle of chocolate body paint, a tub of cottage cheese, a plastic whiffle ball bat, a rubber chicken, 2 cucumbers, ribbed condoms, and an adult-sized Fozzy Bear costume. 

After handcuffing the NBC host, police made Hansen sit down on a stool (bare-assed) and began to ask him questions about why he was there. Hansen explained that he has a weird midget/dwarf fetish and was just trying to fulfill a fantasy. He claimed after seeing how incredibly successful ‘predators’ on his show are at finding targets on the Internet, he decided to give it a shot. After all, sex with a midget is not illegal. Hansen was adamant that he had no idea the girl was actually an underage teen. When asked what he thought when he saw the girl, Hansen reportedly said, “I thought she was a really cute midget.”

Police said that the girl, who obviously won’t be identified in this story due to her age, was built like Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson, short and stocky, only she had a smallish face with eyes that were rather far apart (a common trait for kids with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome). Officer, Richard Puller, admitted that he can see how Hansen might mistake the girl for a person of little stature.

Police got a hold of the online chat and reviewed it. Apparently, despite several minutes of detailed sexual conversation, and references to the girl’s small size, there was no discussion around the girl’s age.

Chris Hansen was released later that night and was told to “watch his ass”.

monkeyclown MonkeyClown arrested, Chris Hansen, Chris Hanson, Dateline, dwarf, fetal alcohol syndrome, midget, MonkeyClown, NBC, predators, shawn johnson, To catch a Chris Hansen, To Catch a Predator

Am I the only one who thinks the midg-girl is hot?

The title says it all. Just imagine, having a personal midget assistant that followed you every where you went and did everything you asked.

Why a midget and not a full grown human? Well for one, he would be less obtrusive and at 6’2″, I wouldn’t have to worry about him blocking my view at sporting events. Oh, and uh….it’d be funny!  Now, I understand that midgets are people, too…so I would pay him handsomely and treat him with as much respect as any celebrity treats their assistants, probably even better, because midgets are special people and I am a nice guy.

I would have my personal midget assistant (PMA) do all the normal things assistants do like; set up appointments, run errands, fetch me toilet paper rolls out of the cabinet under the sink when I run out. Things like that.

Of course, I would have him do some “out of the ordinary” tasks, as well. I’d have him following me around dressed as the mythical creature Pan (shirtless with horns and goat legs) and write down my thoughts as I spill my brain onto his wee little paper notebook and then, of course, have him recite them back to me as I deem necessary.

I’d have him steal drinks for me at bars as I distract the bartender with old high school football stories or use him as a decoy to pick-pocket people in crowded areas. “Hey look over there, everybody…it’s a midget!“  YOINK!

Whenever I am feeling sad or depressed I’d have him do the Lollipop Guild shtick from Wizard of Oz or dress him up like Yoda and throw pieces of bologna at him. Or even have him act out nursery rhymes as little one-man shows. That’d cheer me up for sure.

Ok…so I am starting to disrespect my PMA a little bit…but remember he is making big bucks to help me out. I’d make it worth his while.

I’d have him put on my socks and tie my shoes and serve little cooked sausages to my friends. My PMA would clean up after an evening of Cinemax and act as a tackling dummy for my 2 year old son. I may even have him scratch my nuts when I’m in public…since I’ve frequently been told it is rude and disgusting to do so.

While he is following me around, I’d have him create and play a kazoo-styled theme song, based on my mood for the day. Hey, I’d even let him create his own song for when I am just standing around doing nothing. 

I’ve really just scratched the surface here of what my PMA would do. If I ever become rich enough to afford this service, a Personal Midget Assistant is a no-brainer.

It just makes sense….don’t you think?

monkeyclown MonkeyClown dwarf, little people, lollipop guild, midgets, pan, Personal Midget, Personal midget assistant