Conan, You're Next...BITCH!

This week’s Jackass of the week is none other than America’s favorite multi-racial American, President Barack Obama. (When did the term “mulatto” become politically incorrect?) Anyway, Barack has picked up where George W. Bush left off: saying stupid shit, (comparing his bowling skills to that of the Olympians in the Special Olympics), portraying to the world an annoying arrogance (a certain cockiness that liberals hated about Dubya, as well as one that Barack hasn’t proven he can back up yet. Of course, Dummycrats think his arrogance is ok…cuz he is the messiah), and he is doing a great job adding to America’s national debit. 

But on top of it all, it seems to me our precious Obama is more interested in becoming a Hollywood celebrity than our nation’s president. Is it just me or does it seem like Barack has been on TV everyday since his inauguration? Now he is going on late night talk shows like Jay Leno, the other day he was on “60 Minutes”, he was all over ESPN giving his NCAA March Madness bracket picks (let’s hope he has better luck with the economy), and several other press and town hall interviews.

I am already sick of seeing this guy. He’s all over TV, radio, newspapers, and the Internet. It’s called OVER EXPOSURE! He’s already close to becoming as annoying to me as Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan and we still have AT LEAST  3 1/2+ years of him to deal with.

What is next? An appearance on Deal or No Deal? A cameo in a very special episode of Grey’s Anatomy? A run at the returning champion on Jeopardy?

Here is my advice to “Hollywood” Barack Obama, give the media a rest, try focusing on your job. You came into this job with just about ZERO experience, how about you sit down and take some notes and turn this country back around.

You will have your chance to appear on Judge Judy and host the 2013 MTV movie awards when you are relieved of duty.

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Dr. Carl Bunt, a FSMI researcher for 14 years, discovered this astounding revelation after noticing an abundance of cancer-causing agents in lab mice that ate and drank nothing but fruit, vegetables, and filtered water, and ran on the exercise wheel for at least 3 hours each day. Mice that spent less than 3 hours on the wheel each day, and ate processed meats, chocolate, and drank Capri Sun juices lived healthier, longer lives with no sign of cancer.

Dr. Bunt’s team of researchers took in 200 human volunteers and quarantined them into 2 separate groups. Much like the lab mice, one group lived a vegetarian-esque lifestyle and where forced to run on a giant mouse wheel for 3+ hours a day. While the other group was allowed to eat everything from Big Macs to chocolate parfaits while sitting on a couch and watching old Popeye cartoons.

The results were conclusive and confirmed Dr. Bunt’s scientific findings. After 1 full year of observation, members of ‘Group A’  looked FANTASTIC and healthy, but all started showing early signs of cancerous growths. Group B were a disgusting-looking group, but they were happy and cancer-free (they also had abnormal cravings for spinach, hamburgers, and olive oil).

These findings, of course, go against everything that our government and health gurus have been telling us for many, many years. Little did we know that they have been giving us advice that is sending people down a cancerous road of doom.

So why do exercise and healthy eating cause cancer? Simple…

Lindsay Lohan - August 2009

Diets & Healthy Eating: While fruits and vegetables are good for you, they don’t provide ALL the nutrients that are needed to stay truly healthy and cancer free. Our bodies have evolved past the 4 main food groups that we were taught to eat as kids. It is important for our bodies to ingest and breakdown the fats and nutrients in other food groups like, chocolate, grease, alcohol, and sugary sweets. Like our bodies, cancer has learned to feed off of and thrive from the feeble veggies & fruit food groups. Eating from a variety of  these other food groups throws off the cancer causing agents, incapacitates them if you will, sending cancer into a food coma.

Exercise: As we all know, exercise helps us shed unwanted pounds of fat and build muscles to make us strong. But is this a good thing? The answer is NO! As previously mentioned our bodies need considerable amounts of sugars and fats and alcohol to fight off cancer. Working out just eliminates the power of these important food groups, rendering the body weak, vulnerable, and susceptible to cancer and many other of cancer’s deadly friends.

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As most of you know, Seth McFarlane is the comic genius behind the TV Show Family Guy. He does many of the voices on the show as well. If you’ve seen even just 1 episode you know that McFarlane also likes to sing. Well, below is a video featuring McFarlane singing a song about Lindsay Lohan’s lesbianism, Tom Cruise’s sexuality, and Angelina Jolie’s lips (both sets). It is not the MOST hilarious thing McFarlane has done…but it is funny none the less. Unfortunately, there isn’t much to see…just listen and enjoy.

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