President Barack Obama, fresh off his “firing” of General Motor’s CEO Rich Wagoner, has apparently become drunk with power. From his hotel in Europe, Obama made a call to Chicago Cubs skipper, Lou Pinella, and asked him to step down from his post. The President feels that the Cubs have no shot at winning the World Series with Uncle Lou at the helm.

This unwarranted request has Cubs fans all over the world in an uproar. As most people know, (mostly because it was shoved down America’s collective throats the day Obama made his presence felt at the 2004 Democratic National Convention) Obama was an Illinois senator and is a huge fan of the Chicago White Sox. The fact that he is a fan of the South-side scumbags and is meddling with the Cubs, has Northsiders scratching their heads.

Of course, with his all knowing wisdom, Obama assumed there would be backlash and promises Cubs fans that he has the best interest of Cubs fans and the city of Chicago at heart. Obama was quoted as saying, “The black half of my racial makeup understands what it is like to go through difficult times, so I can relate to what the Cubs have gone through these past 101 years. 2009 has been a historic year and I want to keep that magic going by helping the Cubs break their curse and win the World Series in 2009. Unfortunately, I don’t think current manager, Lou Pinella is the right guy to make this happen. And since I am always right, I suggest he step down immediately.”

Pinella was available for comments after a Cubs pre-season game in Arizona and was asked what he thinks of the President’s request. “That uh…Obama kid….he’s a…a….a…good kid,”, Pinella said, “but if he thinks he is going to bully me into stepping down as manager, he can suck the snotty end of my f*%kstick. He needs to keep his White Sox-loving nose out of this one.”

Allegedly, Obama has a list of at least 10 people he thinks should replace Pinella and take the Cubs to the promise land. Unfortunately, more than half of them have already had to decline the nomination due to tax problems and legal issues.

monkeyclown MonkeyClown 2004 Democratic National Convention, Barack Obama, Chicago Cubs, Chicago White sox, General Motors, GM, Lou Pinella, MonkeyClown, Wagoner, World Series

Hugh “Hef” Hefner, popular founder of Playboy Magazine and the luckiest man alive, has announced that he will drop the robe and take off the pajamas to pose nude in an upcoming issue of his magazine. Hef (82 years old), said that throughout the 55+ year history of Playboy he has made millions upon millions of dollars by exposing the world to the beauty of the female body, now he is going to give back and expose himself in honor of all those former playmates.

Anybody up for some expired sausage for breakfast?

There has never been a pictorial featuring a man or a dick (with exception of the interview pics of Bill Maher).

Hefner will not replace the female centerfold pictorial but will be featured in a 6-page spread in the later third of the magazine. Hef’s new girlfriends, the 19 year old twins, the Shannon sisters (who are surprisingly unattractive), along with several other playmates will appear nude in the photos with him. The final picture, however, will be a full-frontal of the old man eating a peach in front of the grotto with his old balls and wrinkly shaft prominently displayed for the world to see.

When asked what he thinks his mostly male demographic will think when they see his dusty twig and berries, Hef said, “I realize that the majority of my readers are buying Playboy to see hot, beautiful naked women, not my decrepid ‘package’. But again, I am doing this for the thousands of women who have appeared in my magazines and, at the very least, this will give men an idea of what their manhood will look like when they are in their senior years.”

One wonders if Hef will take some Viagra or Cialis before doing the shoot do give his crotchal region more life?

Enjoy!

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There is a strange new epidemic that is finding a large increase in both murders and suicides across the country. What’s strange is that these horrific deaths all seem to happen around the same time every Wednesday night.

The FBI has begun to research the rash of deaths and found that this is no coincidence.

Agents found an incremental rise in deaths starting on February 11th of this year. The average time of deaths combined with that date seem to directly correlate with the first episode of Comedy Central’s new show Important Things with Demetri Martin.

After watching another disappointing episode of South Park (what is with all the pre-teen crap? Jonas Brothers? Twilight? High School Musical?) I happen to catch the first few minutes of Demetri’s new show and immediately headed to the kitchen for the biggest knife I could find. Fortunately, my wife stopped me and spared my life.

Apparently, anybody who has watches this show and has at least a partially-functioning brain will find themselves so dumbfounded by the sheer stupidity and lack of humor in this show that they try and kill themselves. Others get so enraged that someone like Demetri Martin is famous and on TV and probably making a lot of money that they look to destroy the nearest thing to them. Unfortunately this is usually a significant other, child, neighbor, or best friend.

If I had to guess, the people who find Demetri Martin funny are the same pathetic, incredibly humorless jagoffs who find Dane Cook, Dat Phan, and Andy Samburg hilarious.

Well…let me explain something to you. Listen and listen good.

DEMETRI MARTIN IS NOT FUNNY. HE IS A PRETENTIOUS UNORIGINAL ASSBAG.

Let me put out a challenge to you. Take a few minutes and watch the clips below or try and watch his show for more than 30 seconds. If you do more than slightly smirk at one of his jokes let me know and I will add you to the growing list of brainless, mouth-breathing morons who are inhabiting our earth and breathing MY precious air.

GOD! I WANT TO PUNCH THIS SMUG FUCKER IN THE FACE! BUT SINCE HE IS NOT HERE…WHERE IS THE DOG?

monkeyclown MonkeyClown Andy Sandburg, Comedy Central, Dane Cook, Dat Phan, Demetri Martin, FBI, High School Musical, Important Things, Jonas Brothers, MonkeyClown, murder, South Park, Suicide, Twilight

Grimace, the famous, fat, purple blob from McDonald’s commercials has been scaring the shit out of little kids for decades. Most people already know the history of Grimace, but for those who don’t, here is brief synopsis:

In early McDonald’s commercials Grimace started as an evil four-armed creature who stole milkshakes from people. Yes, another in the long line of thieves in McDonaldland (along with the Hamburglar & the Fry Guys). Apparently, a scary purple tub of goo who stole milkshakes wasn’t a great marketing ploy so they removed two of his four arms and made him Ronald McDonald’s retarded best friend.

But Who Created Grimace and What Exactly is He?

Well, here is the REAL story, one that you won’t find on the McDonald’s website.

The Grimace character was created by McDonald’s founder Ray Kroc. Kroc had some dental problems and his dentist put him on a strict diet of yogurt, pudding, and cheese while recovering from a surgery. He also liked to drink and scotch was a staple at each meal. One day, Kroc went to the bathroom to ‘dip the nuggets in the sauce’ (an inspiration he acted on several years later) and instead of his usual solid stool, out came some thick, sticky matter (aka. Goo Poo or The Sticky Ickies). After a bout with continuous wiping, he got up and, as guys often do, took a look at his dirty work. What Kroc saw amused him. It was a huge thick glob. The site of it made him smile and the idea for a new McDonald’s creature was created.

Early drawings depicted Grimace as an oddly-shaped brown mass with no arms. However, focus groups quickly disapproved of the  brown anthropomorphic blob (later Kroc would revisit these drawings to come up with the design for the first Chicken McNuggets). Ray Kroc went back to the drawing board and tried several vivid colors and eventually settled on purple. He gave the creature four arms and made him evil to be the antagonist to the overly-happy Ronald McDonald.

Grimace was an instant success! Unfortunately, some of the other characters too closely resembled the characters from the popular kids LSD-induced, psychedelic TV show, H.R. Pufnstuf and McDonald’s was sued.

After losing the lawsuit, McDonald’s and Ray Kroc rearranged some of the characters , including Grimace. They removed two of Grimaces arms, gave him a glossy, innocent stare with a retard grin, and made him Ronald’s best friend. Kids accepted the transition and he has been the same lovable character ever since.

Old drawings and notebooks found many failed ideas for Grimace including:

• An actual blob with no legs that quietly slithered on the ground and through grates that snuck up behind people to steal their milkshakes.
• A blob that lived in the toilets of McDonaldland and fed on McDonald’s remains.
• A purple man-beast that dressed up as a McDonald’s employee/janitor that attempted to take people’s trays of food before they were done eating.
• A clumsy oaf that provided comic relief by constantly slipping on the excessive drool coming from the corner’s of his mouth
• A purple monster with superhuman strength (referred to as “retard strength in the notes”) that saved McDonaldland from the forces of evil.
• and many more

Grimace has become a cultural icon and will remain a lovable character in the hearts and minds of both adults and children alike.

I love you Grimace.

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It looks like PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), also known as LOSERS are talking about making a George Clooney flavored Tofu, called Clofu. Yeah…you read that right. They think this gimmick will help save their precious animal friends by getting people to replace meat with tofu.

Hey PETA, Put THIS in your Mouth

Good Luck, Jerks!

So what is the secret to the Clooney sauce? PETA claims they have a gym towel he used and will use the essence of his sweat to create the Clofu. Hmmm…something tells me even the biggest Clooney fans don’t want to taste his sweat in their mouths. Now his penis…that is another story. Why not ask Clooney to dip his balls in the Tofu batter? Even better, maybe he can provide one of his masturbation towels to PETA this way people can ACTUALLY HAVE Clooney inside of them? (Yeah, I doubt Clooney has one of those towels…he’s Clooney, he doesn’t jerk-off.)

Either way, the people at PETA need to get a life and get real jobs. You are NOT going to get people to stop eating meat, you are NOT going to get people to stop wearing furs, and you are NOT going to get people to stop hunting, and you are NOT going to stop people from having sex with horses (see the article/video below).

Of course, if someone offered me a Megan Fox flavored piece of fruit…I’d be suckling on that ALLLL DAY!

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