Chris Hansen, known for his role on the Dateline NBC show “To Catch a Predator” was caught allegedly soliciting sex from a 13-year old girl. Hansen, who claims he thought he was chatting online with a female midget, went to the young girl’s home and began to engage in sexual banter. The young girl reportedly got nervous and secretly ran into another room to call the police.

When the police arrived Hansen was found in the kitchen with his pants off, lubing up his hands with canola oil. Police also found a brown grocery bag reportedly filled with a red clown wig & nose, a bottle of chocolate body paint, a tub of cottage cheese, a plastic whiffle ball bat, a rubber chicken, 2 cucumbers, ribbed condoms, and an adult-sized Fozzy Bear costume. 

After handcuffing the NBC host, police made Hansen sit down on a stool (bare-assed) and began to ask him questions about why he was there. Hansen explained that he has a weird midget/dwarf fetish and was just trying to fulfill a fantasy. He claimed after seeing how incredibly successful ‘predators’ on his show are at finding targets on the Internet, he decided to give it a shot. After all, sex with a midget is not illegal. Hansen was adamant that he had no idea the girl was actually an underage teen. When asked what he thought when he saw the girl, Hansen reportedly said, “I thought she was a really cute midget.”

Police said that the girl, who obviously won’t be identified in this story due to her age, was built like Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson, short and stocky, only she had a smallish face with eyes that were rather far apart (a common trait for kids with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome). Officer, Richard Puller, admitted that he can see how Hansen might mistake the girl for a person of little stature.

Police got a hold of the online chat and reviewed it. Apparently, despite several minutes of detailed sexual conversation, and references to the girl’s small size, there was no discussion around the girl’s age.

Chris Hansen was released later that night and was told to “watch his ass”.

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Below is a  proven MonkeyClown family secret that will GUARANTEE with 100% accuracy that you will have male offspring!

Boys Riding Right Out of the Womb YEE-HAW!

WARNING: Using this move WILL impregnate your wife, girlfriend, or sexual partner with a male seed.

THE IN AND TO THE LEFT METHOD: Don’t let the name confuse you, it is important to be aware of your surroundings and the sexual position you are in as you let loose. Ok, here goes…it is simple, really. While having intercourse, if you are looking at the woman, make sure you go “IN and TO THE LEFT”. If the woman’s back is to you (ex. doggy-style or reverse cowboy) you will want to go “IN and to the RIGHT”…the key is to make sure you are “releasing” towards the woman’s right side.

An easy way to remember this…boys are RIGHT, girls are wrong.

Now, if our Chinese friends would employ this method, they wouldn’t have to worry about having and “taking care of” those problem female offspring.

Trust me, this method has been handed down from generation to generation and is a part of the MonkeyClown’s family lore. It is nice to know that the rare MonkeyClown family name will never die.

NOW YOU KNOW!

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Andy Rooney is a senile old bastard, but I think we are going to bring him on board as the new nothingRelevat.com writer. Just listen to his latest rant about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I LOVE IT!

From 60 Minutes on CBS. Enjoy!

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Our nation’s youth has found a new mind-altering method that doesn’t require the use of illegal substances. It is starting to become HUGE at college campuses and is starting to trickle into high schools and junior highs. It’s called Fartching, (other names include Steaming, Fogging, and the Armenian Steambath).

What is Fartching?

Fartching is the act of farting in a hot, steamy, preferably small-sized shower while inhaling the stinky, toxic fumes, sending the participant into a ’stoned-like’ daze. The high can last up to 10 minutes, as the smell almost seems to stick to the hot steam and intensify as it floats up through your nostrils and all around your body.  Active Fartchers have described the high as a sensational, euphoric feeling that starts in your brain and travels all throughout your body. College students have been known to cram into a small shower, with up to 6-7 students at once, all armed and ready to take part in this unique drug craze.

Can You Get Stoned from a Fart?

The answer is NO. What is really happening is that a Fartcher is actually getting dizzy from minor hyperventalation causing the mind altering state. While deeply breathing in the fumes, the Fartcher isn’t getting the oxygen the brain needs to funtion properly. That–in addition to the various amounts of nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide, oxygen, and methane gas that are released from our bodies when we ‘do a stinky’–cause the euphoric sensations.

All over the country, grocery stores have seen a huge spike in sales of chili beans and fiber pills. New Orleans Piggly Wiggly owner, Paul Munson, speculates that this abnormal rise in sales [of beans and fiber products] is a direct result of the growing popularity of Fartching. “I think the abnormal rise in sales [of beans and fiber products] is a direct result of the growing popularity of Fartching.”, declares Munson.

Prevention

How do we stop our children from starting or continuing to Fartch? Keep showers to 5 minutes or less, make sure your children take a shower after they go poop, and finally and most importantly, talk to them about the dangers of Fartching.

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I guess you can’t win them all. And that seems to be the case for Hasbro’s latest stinker, The Play-Doh Stink Star.

Hasbro's Play-Doh Stink Star

Hasbro described this toy as “a way for your child to add fun to their boring bathroom activities. The Stink Star is also a fun, exciting way to potty train your toddlers.”

How it Works (paraphrasing the directions)

• Step 1: When it is time to poop, gently place the yellow “Stink Star” play piece between your butt cheeks, right underneath the anus.
• Step 2: Poop
• Step 3: Watch as your feces comes out in a fun STAR shape!
• Step 4: Cut any dangling participles with the red “Stink Star” scissors.
• Step 5: Repeat

Obviously, there are many problems with this “toy”. For one, it is absolutely disgusting. Two, it is virtually impossible for kids to use this without parental supervision. Thirdly, a kid could accidentally stick this small piece of plastic up their butt, causing much pain and embarrassment. And finally, if you have the chocolate squirts, this toy is useless.

Fortunately for Hasbro, the Stink Star didn’t make it out of the few test markets they tested it in and–until now–it has gone virtually unkown to the general public. Thankfully, the parents and children in Des Moines, Iowa (the largest test market) gave Hasbro the thumbs down and ended the product’s life before it really started.

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