There is a strange new epidemic that is finding a large increase in both murders and suicides across the country. What’s strange is that these horrific deaths all seem to happen around the same time every Wednesday night.

The FBI has begun to research the rash of deaths and found that this is no coincidence.

Agents found an incremental rise in deaths starting on February 11th of this year. The average time of deaths combined with that date seem to directly correlate with the first episode of Comedy Central’s new show Important Things with Demetri Martin.

After watching another disappointing episode of South Park (what is with all the pre-teen crap? Jonas Brothers? Twilight? High School Musical?) I happen to catch the first few minutes of Demetri’s new show and immediately headed to the kitchen for the biggest knife I could find. Fortunately, my wife stopped me and spared my life.

Apparently, anybody who has watches this show and has at least a partially-functioning brain will find themselves so dumbfounded by the sheer stupidity and lack of humor in this show that they try and kill themselves. Others get so enraged that someone like Demetri Martin is famous and on TV and probably making a lot of money that they look to destroy the nearest thing to them. Unfortunately this is usually a significant other, child, neighbor, or best friend.

If I had to guess, the people who find Demetri Martin funny are the same pathetic, incredibly humorless jagoffs who find Dane Cook, Dat Phan, and Andy Samburg hilarious.

Well…let me explain something to you. Listen and listen good.

DEMETRI MARTIN IS NOT FUNNY. HE IS A PRETENTIOUS UNORIGINAL ASSBAG.

Let me put out a challenge to you. Take a few minutes and watch the clips below or try and watch his show for more than 30 seconds. If you do more than slightly smirk at one of his jokes let me know and I will add you to the growing list of brainless, mouth-breathing morons who are inhabiting our earth and breathing MY precious air.

GOD! I WANT TO PUNCH THIS SMUG FUCKER IN THE FACE! BUT SINCE HE IS NOT HERE…WHERE IS THE DOG?

monkeyclown MonkeyClown Andy Sandburg, Comedy Central, Dane Cook, Dat Phan, Demetri Martin, FBI, High School Musical, Important Things, Jonas Brothers, MonkeyClown, murder, South Park, Suicide, Twilight

I love it when there is a really fucked-up-in-the-head Mom in a movie!

stinkfist’s list:

5. Carolyn, the Mom from American Beauty – Creates new emotional scars for her daughter on a daily basis and gets railed by the Realty King… fave quote…

“I… will sell… this house… today…”

4. Joanna, the Mom from Havoc – I remember a little about her character being messed up in the head.  Honestly, she’s listed because Anne Hathaway shows her tits in the movie.

3. Judith, the Mom from Election – Mental freak raising a mental equal in Reese Witherspoon’s character, Tracy Flick… fave quote…

Mom (as her daughter weeps after losing the election): “Maybe you should have put up more posters.”

2. Stephanie, the Mom from 8 Mile – Kim Basinger is a hot piece of trash in that movie and she can take a beating… nice.

1. Marge, the Mom from A Nightmare On Elm Street – Great alcoholic character, loves her vodka and saves Freddy’s glove in her basement… fave quote…

Nancy: “…Rod and Tina had a fight, but it wasn’t that serious.”

Mom (to her own daughter after her friend is brutally killed): “Maybe you don’t think murder is that serious!”

Who is on your list and why?

Peace

stinkfist Top 5, stinkfist 8 Mile, alcoholic, American Beauty, Anne Hathaway, Election, Freddy Krueger, Havoc, Kim Basinger, Moms, murder, Nighmare on Elm Street, Reese Witherspoon, tits, vodka