The Boston Red Sox and die-hard Red Sox fan/horror novelist, Stephen King, have come to an agreement to allow King to turn Fenway’s fabled Green Monster into a “REAL Green Monster”.

King will pay $3 million dollars out of his own pocket to give a face to the Green Monster. The agreement is reportedly only for the 2009 season.

“Until the 2 recent championships, the only scary thing in Boston was that my Red Sox hadn’t won the World Series in 86 years.”, explained King , “Now that they are champions they seem to have lost their edge. Left field’s Green Monster has always been an imposing structure for visiting teams, but its just a big green wall. I am happy that the Red Sox are allowing me to bring my brand of horror to Fenway.”

King went through several designs, many of which focused on images that he thought would specifically scare or distract the rival Yankees (ex. a picture of Kevin Youkilis wearing nothing but Jason Giambi’s golden thong, a picture of money being flushed down a toilet, the recent picture of A-Rod kissing his own mirrored image, and the clown for “IT”) Inevitably, King went to what he knows best and created a creepy green creature that appears to stare down batters at the plate with an evil and ominous grin.

Boston is also considering adding a voice to the monster, having it scream or say something “comically scary” [says an unidentified Sox staff member] in between innings to entertain the fans.

This sounds like a wicked dumb idea to me!

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Alex Rodiguez AKA A-Rod eerrr Gay-Rod takes the prize for Jackass of the Week.   This guy has completely lost his marbles…steroids, Madonna, the New York media.  Something tells me he wouldn’t be as crazy as a shit house rat if he was playing ball in Texas or Seattle.

Gay-Rod is only a little bit vain…

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Lebron James,

What the fuck is wrong with you!  Did your mommy not teach you any values—apparently not?  Do you know where you come from? You were born and raised in Northeast Ohio hailing from Akron, Ohio. You single-handedly put Cavaliers basketball and the city of Cleveland on the map both nationally and globally. You were on your way to become a God in this city, now you are a complete embarrassment and alienated the Cleveland faithful. You didn’t forget about your scumbag friends from high school, whom you so loving refer to as the ‘four horsemen.’ You might not realize this Bron Bron but a kid with no real world experience, let alone no college degree does not normally become Vice-President of marketing for Nike. You don’t realize what this city has been through The Drive, The Fumble, The Shot, The Blown Save, you must have forgot about this while you were doing the ESPY Awards or Saturday Night Live.

You show up to a Tribe game versus New York sporting a Yankees hat on national television and completely dogging your hometown, what a travesty.  Not only wearing a hat of one the most hated teams in this city’s history but arrogantly and pompously rubbing our face in it by flaunting your hat in the air. How would you like it if Bernie Kosar showed up to a Cavs playoff game a rocking a Pistons jersey, guess what, that wouldn’t happen because Kosar has class.  Do you even know who Bernie Kosar is?

You are done; I’m no longer cheering for you, sticking up for you or comparing you to Michael Jordan. The fact of the matter, you don’t play defense and you can’t consistently make free throws—you are no Mark Price.  I will, like any other die hard Cleveland fan, continue to root for the Cavs and any success that comes with the organization. Go back to where you came from—Akron, home of rubber, the dirtiest strip clubs on Earth, and Cleveland’s red-headed step child.

Sincerely,

The City of Cleveland and its fans

P.S. How many kids do you have now?

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