Grimace, the famous, fat, purple blob from McDonald’s commercials has been scaring the shit out of little kids for decades. Most people already know the history of Grimace, but for those who don’t, here is brief synopsis:

In early McDonald’s commercials Grimace started as an evil four-armed creature who stole milkshakes from people. Yes, another in the long line of thieves in McDonaldland (along with the Hamburglar & the Fry Guys). Apparently, a scary purple tub of goo who stole milkshakes wasn’t a great marketing ploy so they removed two of his four arms and made him Ronald McDonald’s retarded best friend.

But Who Created Grimace and What Exactly is He?

Well, here is the REAL story, one that you won’t find on the McDonald’s website.

The Grimace character was created by McDonald’s founder Ray Kroc. Kroc had some dental problems and his dentist put him on a strict diet of yogurt, pudding, and cheese while recovering from a surgery. He also liked to drink and scotch was a staple at each meal. One day, Kroc went to the bathroom to ‘dip the nuggets in the sauce’ (an inspiration he acted on several years later) and instead of his usual solid stool, out came some thick, sticky matter (aka. Goo Poo or The Sticky Ickies). After a bout with continuous wiping, he got up and, as guys often do, took a look at his dirty work. What Kroc saw amused him. It was a huge thick glob. The site of it made him smile and the idea for a new McDonald’s creature was created.

Early drawings depicted Grimace as an oddly-shaped brown mass with no arms. However, focus groups quickly disapproved of the  brown anthropomorphic blob (later Kroc would revisit these drawings to come up with the design for the first Chicken McNuggets). Ray Kroc went back to the drawing board and tried several vivid colors and eventually settled on purple. He gave the creature four arms and made him evil to be the antagonist to the overly-happy Ronald McDonald.

Grimace was an instant success! Unfortunately, some of the other characters too closely resembled the characters from the popular kids LSD-induced, psychedelic TV show, H.R. Pufnstuf and McDonald’s was sued.

After losing the lawsuit, McDonald’s and Ray Kroc rearranged some of the characters , including Grimace. They removed two of Grimaces arms, gave him a glossy, innocent stare with a retard grin, and made him Ronald’s best friend. Kids accepted the transition and he has been the same lovable character ever since.

Old drawings and notebooks found many failed ideas for Grimace including:

• An actual blob with no legs that quietly slithered on the ground and through grates that snuck up behind people to steal their milkshakes.
• A blob that lived in the toilets of McDonaldland and fed on McDonald’s remains.
• A purple man-beast that dressed up as a McDonald’s employee/janitor that attempted to take people’s trays of food before they were done eating.
• A clumsy oaf that provided comic relief by constantly slipping on the excessive drool coming from the corner’s of his mouth
• A purple monster with superhuman strength (referred to as “retard strength in the notes”) that saved McDonaldland from the forces of evil.
• and many more

Grimace has become a cultural icon and will remain a lovable character in the hearts and minds of both adults and children alike.

I love you Grimace.

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Our nation’s youth has found a new mind-altering method that doesn’t require the use of illegal substances. It is starting to become HUGE at college campuses and is starting to trickle into high schools and junior highs. It’s called Fartching, (other names include Steaming, Fogging, and the Armenian Steambath).

What is Fartching?

Fartching is the act of farting in a hot, steamy, preferably small-sized shower while inhaling the stinky, toxic fumes, sending the participant into a ’stoned-like’ daze. The high can last up to 10 minutes, as the smell almost seems to stick to the hot steam and intensify as it floats up through your nostrils and all around your body.  Active Fartchers have described the high as a sensational, euphoric feeling that starts in your brain and travels all throughout your body. College students have been known to cram into a small shower, with up to 6-7 students at once, all armed and ready to take part in this unique drug craze.

Can You Get Stoned from a Fart?

The answer is NO. What is really happening is that a Fartcher is actually getting dizzy from minor hyperventalation causing the mind altering state. While deeply breathing in the fumes, the Fartcher isn’t getting the oxygen the brain needs to funtion properly. That–in addition to the various amounts of nitrogen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide, oxygen, and methane gas that are released from our bodies when we ‘do a stinky’–cause the euphoric sensations.

All over the country, grocery stores have seen a huge spike in sales of chili beans and fiber pills. New Orleans Piggly Wiggly owner, Paul Munson, speculates that this abnormal rise in sales [of beans and fiber products] is a direct result of the growing popularity of Fartching. “I think the abnormal rise in sales [of beans and fiber products] is a direct result of the growing popularity of Fartching.”, declares Munson.

Prevention

How do we stop our children from starting or continuing to Fartch? Keep showers to 5 minutes or less, make sure your children take a shower after they go poop, and finally and most importantly, talk to them about the dangers of Fartching.

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I guess you can’t win them all. And that seems to be the case for Hasbro’s latest stinker, The Play-Doh Stink Star.

Hasbro's Play-Doh Stink Star

Hasbro described this toy as “a way for your child to add fun to their boring bathroom activities. The Stink Star is also a fun, exciting way to potty train your toddlers.”

How it Works (paraphrasing the directions)

• Step 1: When it is time to poop, gently place the yellow “Stink Star” play piece between your butt cheeks, right underneath the anus.
• Step 2: Poop
• Step 3: Watch as your feces comes out in a fun STAR shape!
• Step 4: Cut any dangling participles with the red “Stink Star” scissors.
• Step 5: Repeat

Obviously, there are many problems with this “toy”. For one, it is absolutely disgusting. Two, it is virtually impossible for kids to use this without parental supervision. Thirdly, a kid could accidentally stick this small piece of plastic up their butt, causing much pain and embarrassment. And finally, if you have the chocolate squirts, this toy is useless.

Fortunately for Hasbro, the Stink Star didn’t make it out of the few test markets they tested it in and–until now–it has gone virtually unkown to the general public. Thankfully, the parents and children in Des Moines, Iowa (the largest test market) gave Hasbro the thumbs down and ended the product’s life before it really started.

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Remember Beta tapes? Remember horse-pulled wagons? Yeah, me neither.

Well, I do remember Beta tapes, but fuck it, you get my point.

Can you fucking believe that Scott Toilet Paper is still being sold in the world? Let me get this straight… you want me to take something you can see through – yet has the texture of sandpaper – and repeatedly wipe my tender anus with it?! Get the fuck outta here!

1. How do they make it so thin? I would assume any user needs to fold quite a long pull of the stuff in half at least 8 times so that your hand doesn’t break through mid-wipe. Yeah, that would be SHITTY — HA!

2. How do they make it so stiff and rigid? I would honestly rather wipe my ass with a pair of 40-year old corduroy pants. I’m guessing you could paper-cut the tip of your index finger clean off with the right amount of force and a good angle. How can this be called “toilet paper”?

Ok, let’s forgive Scott for continuing to produce this product. The fault therein lies with the sad sacks who continue to purchase this product. If it wasn’t for them, this shit wouldn’t be around anymore.

Let’s start out by giving the homeless and the sick-ass-fucking poor a pass on this. Honestly, if that’s all you can afford, good for you for maintaining some anal hygiene.

That’s my point here. What gets to me are the fuckers who buy this shit AND a Super Grande Mocha Caramel Fuck Coffee every day! So you’re telling me that you’re such a tight ass (no pun intended) that you would subject your asshole to this repeated abuse just to save a couple bucks every couple weeks?! I’m sorry, but I only get one asshole in this life, and I’d like to treat it with a certain amount of respect.

Bottom line… How can one value a dollar more than their own asshole? I guess I just don’t get it.

Peace

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I discovered a revolutionary new bathroom product; Just a Drop guarantees elimination of 98% of odor on contact.  Their slogan is “Never worry about embarrassing bathroom odors again.” I was very skeptical of this product therefore; I purchased this product off the Internet.  I received 2 Visine-like bottles of blue liquid, which is so strong I could smell it even before opening the package.  The odor from this product stings your nostrils. Oh lets not forget that Just a Drop included a convenient travel package as well.  The directions clearly state on the packaging: drop one (or two) drops of the liquid in the toilet before you drop bombs. This product is supposed to mask those paint peeling, barn-like animal odors.

Over the past week this product has been tested by all types of men, women, and children both healthy and unhealthy.  The test included using various numbers of drops, ranging from 1 to 5.  This product was tested in a controlled environment, with no fan and or air fresheners.  An outside third-party inspected the bathroom after using Just a Drop.

AND the verdict…Just a Drop is just a joke.  Just a Drop does mask the smell but it by no means eliminates 98% of odor.  There is a minty smell combined with a poopy odor. The testimonials from their website claim this product will alter your social life.  Erroneous, this product is full of shit and smells like shit.  Don’t falsely claim to eliminate odor unless you shit roses.  Well guess what, everyone poops and shit still stinks.

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