I guess you can’t win them all. And that seems to be the case for Hasbro’s latest stinker, The Play-Doh Stink Star.

Hasbro's Play-Doh Stink Star

Hasbro described this toy as “a way for your child to add fun to their boring bathroom activities. The Stink Star is also a fun, exciting way to potty train your toddlers.”

How it Works (paraphrasing the directions)

• Step 1: When it is time to poop, gently place the yellow “Stink Star” play piece between your butt cheeks, right underneath the anus.
• Step 2: Poop
• Step 3: Watch as your feces comes out in a fun STAR shape!
• Step 4: Cut any dangling participles with the red “Stink Star” scissors.
• Step 5: Repeat

Obviously, there are many problems with this “toy”. For one, it is absolutely disgusting. Two, it is virtually impossible for kids to use this without parental supervision. Thirdly, a kid could accidentally stick this small piece of plastic up their butt, causing much pain and embarrassment. And finally, if you have the chocolate squirts, this toy is useless.

Fortunately for Hasbro, the Stink Star didn’t make it out of the few test markets they tested it in and–until now–it has gone virtually unkown to the general public. Thankfully, the parents and children in Des Moines, Iowa (the largest test market) gave Hasbro the thumbs down and ended the product’s life before it really started.

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Remember Beta tapes? Remember horse-pulled wagons? Yeah, me neither.

Well, I do remember Beta tapes, but fuck it, you get my point.

Can you fucking believe that Scott Toilet Paper is still being sold in the world? Let me get this straight… you want me to take something you can see through – yet has the texture of sandpaper – and repeatedly wipe my tender anus with it?! Get the fuck outta here!

1. How do they make it so thin? I would assume any user needs to fold quite a long pull of the stuff in half at least 8 times so that your hand doesn’t break through mid-wipe. Yeah, that would be SHITTY — HA!

2. How do they make it so stiff and rigid? I would honestly rather wipe my ass with a pair of 40-year old corduroy pants. I’m guessing you could paper-cut the tip of your index finger clean off with the right amount of force and a good angle. How can this be called “toilet paper”?

Ok, let’s forgive Scott for continuing to produce this product. The fault therein lies with the sad sacks who continue to purchase this product. If it wasn’t for them, this shit wouldn’t be around anymore.

Let’s start out by giving the homeless and the sick-ass-fucking poor a pass on this. Honestly, if that’s all you can afford, good for you for maintaining some anal hygiene.

That’s my point here. What gets to me are the fuckers who buy this shit AND a Super Grande Mocha Caramel Fuck Coffee every day! So you’re telling me that you’re such a tight ass (no pun intended) that you would subject your asshole to this repeated abuse just to save a couple bucks every couple weeks?! I’m sorry, but I only get one asshole in this life, and I’d like to treat it with a certain amount of respect.

Bottom line… How can one value a dollar more than their own asshole? I guess I just don’t get it.

Peace

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The use of tools?

No. A bunch of animals from Monkeys to Beavers use tools.

Having sex for pleasure only?

No. Dolphins are cool like that.

Opposable thumbs?

No. Maybe? No… Monkeys and apes are god-damn close enough for me.

So what DOES separate us from the animals?

The answer my friends… we as human beings have been cursed with need to wipe our asses after each and every time a bunch of crap falls out of us. WTF is this? Gee thanks… I don’t spend enough time in this life on the thrown and now I have to spend additional time making sure I don’t stink and itch all day – GREAT!

Why can’t we be like dogs? Squat… push… plop… sniff… OUT! Then you go out and try to find a female to impregnate. That’s it. I want to be reincarnated as a dog. Fuck this.

Peace

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How do blind people know when they’re done wiping their ass?  WTF?!

Peace

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