Kevin Clash, the voice and puppeteer of everybody’s and nobody’s favorite Sesame Street character Elmo, decided to take matter’s into his own hands during a taping of a recent Sesame Street show. Clash, who just signed a 10-year contract extension with the Children’s Television Workshop (CTW) realized the mistake he made by signing the contract extension.

 During the taping of one of the show’s scenes, Elmo was supposed to have a discussion with Oscar the Grouch about the very controversial “5 minute rule”, but instead decided to try and capture Elmo’s death on film. After Elmo dropped his corndog on the ground, Oscar look down and started to sing a song called, “Who cares, it’s still good, just eat it“, Clash made Elmo jump on top of one of the garbage cans, tie a pre-hung noose around Elmo’s neck, and started to rock back and forth to get the rusty can to knock over.

The intrigued and shocked video crew didn’t stop rolling the tape until about 15 seconds after Elmo’s legs started swinging from side to side.

Unfortunately for Kevin Clash, the head of CTW only gave Clash a slap on the hand and sent him to the corner for 5 minutes and made him apologize to Oscar the Grouch and Big Bird. Apparently, they also know that being Elmo for 10 more years is punishment enough for Mr. Clash.

In a statement, Clash said, “I am sick of doing that voice, Elmo not only annoys me, but even haunts me in my dreams at night. However, I understand that Elmo makes kids all over the world happy and he gives me a steady paycheck. I apologize for my actions. I just wish I had the balls to hang myself!”

All footage and media of this scene were destroyed.

P.S. CONGRATS TO NOTHINGRELEVANT ON IT’S 100TH POST!

monkeyclown MonkeyClown Big Bird, Elmo, Hanging, Kevin Clash, Mr. Cooper, Oscar the Grouch, Suicide

There is a strange new epidemic that is finding a large increase in both murders and suicides across the country. What’s strange is that these horrific deaths all seem to happen around the same time every Wednesday night.

The FBI has begun to research the rash of deaths and found that this is no coincidence.

Agents found an incremental rise in deaths starting on February 11th of this year. The average time of deaths combined with that date seem to directly correlate with the first episode of Comedy Central’s new show Important Things with Demetri Martin.

After watching another disappointing episode of South Park (what is with all the pre-teen crap? Jonas Brothers? Twilight? High School Musical?) I happen to catch the first few minutes of Demetri’s new show and immediately headed to the kitchen for the biggest knife I could find. Fortunately, my wife stopped me and spared my life.

Apparently, anybody who has watches this show and has at least a partially-functioning brain will find themselves so dumbfounded by the sheer stupidity and lack of humor in this show that they try and kill themselves. Others get so enraged that someone like Demetri Martin is famous and on TV and probably making a lot of money that they look to destroy the nearest thing to them. Unfortunately this is usually a significant other, child, neighbor, or best friend.

If I had to guess, the people who find Demetri Martin funny are the same pathetic, incredibly humorless jagoffs who find Dane Cook, Dat Phan, and Andy Samburg hilarious.

Well…let me explain something to you. Listen and listen good.

DEMETRI MARTIN IS NOT FUNNY. HE IS A PRETENTIOUS UNORIGINAL ASSBAG.

Let me put out a challenge to you. Take a few minutes and watch the clips below or try and watch his show for more than 30 seconds. If you do more than slightly smirk at one of his jokes let me know and I will add you to the growing list of brainless, mouth-breathing morons who are inhabiting our earth and breathing MY precious air.

GOD! I WANT TO PUNCH THIS SMUG FUCKER IN THE FACE! BUT SINCE HE IS NOT HERE…WHERE IS THE DOG?

monkeyclown MonkeyClown Andy Sandburg, Comedy Central, Dane Cook, Dat Phan, Demetri Martin, FBI, High School Musical, Important Things, Jonas Brothers, MonkeyClown, murder, South Park, Suicide, Twilight